Day 23: 30 Days of Words

Day 23: 30 Days of Words

Clearly, 30 blogs in 30 days was a massive overshoot. But still, I've proven to myself that I can actually make time to write, and that writing provides me with some catharsis. So, yay!

But today, in honor of MDF this week, I give you a tale of two shows. 

At therapy, I've been working on my feelings of rejection and not taking it personally. Part of anxiety- at least my anxiety- includes being sensitive. Growing up in a household with a parent that is impossible to please (because of his own issues, not mine) has made me, I guess, sort of hyper-sensitive when it comes to being rejected.

Actually, I don't even have to be verbally rejected. I can feel rejection and disinterest radiating off of people without saying a word. At shows, I watch as people's eyes wander over my shoulder, looking for my cool-band-guy boyfriend, or hell, anyone cooler in the room. It causes me physical discomfort, bitterness, and hurt feelings. 

Part of it, I know, is in my approach to situations. Apparently, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my (and yours, likely) inner feelings are palpable to others around me/us. It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more I don't want to be somewhere, the more awkward I feel, the more difficult it is to talk to people/relax/enjoy myself, the more I don't want to be there.

Ultimately though, I know someone's shitty attitude is not about me. If someone is looking to score scene-cred, more power to them, cause I got none to give. If someone finds me unspeakably dull, well hey, that's their prerogative too. And some people are just assholes.

ANYWAY. Thursday night, Obituary and Gruesome. Two bands I quite like, people I enjoy. I was looking forward to this show all day, PLUS I've known the Gruesome homies forever. I spent five years in a relationship with one of the members (he's rad, we're pals, and so are he and Blake), have worked 5 grueling 7,000 Tons cruises with another, leaned on one during a particularly dark period, and introduced three of the members throughout our relationships. These are my people. 

We had a blast. We drank, we talked about everything from life to pets to death metal albums. I even had a perfectly pleasant encounter with a girl that usually greets me with a backhanded compliment when we see each other (often). It was great, in part because I was with great people, but also because I was happy and confident enough to brush off the normal idiots that hang around a metal show.

Fast forward to Saturday. I debated about seeing some old pals play a show. We go WAY back, to a shitty ex who toured with them nearly ten? years ago, back further than anyone in Gruesome. I went back and forth, in part because no one reached out, or responded when I did. Desire not to sit at home won out, and we went. 

My friend, who is recently engaged, blatantly ignored me the whole night. The guy who once greeted me with bear hugs barely gave me a side hug, partially because his fiance- who I met before they dated- clung to his arm. The other guy ignored me, while his wife glared at me. I was generally ignored because I'm never the coolest person in the room, moreso as people drank. The girl who was my friend on Thursday, showed up with a grade-A Queen Bee Mean Girl who purposefully cut me off every time I tried to say hey. I didn't want to be there in the first place, so it was hard to let go of the wave of negativity and loneliness and just sit back and enjoy being out of the house.

Ultimately again, I know none of this was about me. A girl was easily swayed by a Mean Queen Bee. Two old dudes have jealous and insecure partners and are insecure themselves. Aside from a general loneliness, I felt almost a sense of mourning...mourning the loss of bear hugs and brutal death metal jokes between beers and the little piece of joy and love from my teen years that I get to relive. 

Anyway, it's not about me.