A Long and Crappy Post...

Does anyone remember the Relapse 10 CDs for $20 sale?  Alright then, you get how dated this is.  I know.  Relapse got me hook line and sinker.  I figured that out of ten CDs, I’d get one or two Relapse releases I’d missed, maybe some new music and I could give the others away to friends.  Eagerly, I sent my money off and checked the mail every day.   The CDs got there quickly and I opened the box like a kid on Christmas who still believes that Santa brings everything to a good little girl. After opening the box, it felt like all Santa brought was socks.  Ugly, plain white socks in the wrong size.  And smelly body lotion, the kind I'm allergic to.  Simultaneously, I saw friends getting boxes of Relapse titles- Baroness, Coffins, Brutal Truth, Toxic Holocaust.  I get crap and my sibling gets a a shiny new Iphone. Relapse Santa is a dick.

I didn’t get one single Relapse title.  I only recognized one band (Gorephagia) and they’re on a split.  I got exactly ½ a CD from a band I have heard of before.  But hey, new things can be fun.  There could be a whole new band to be passionate about in the stack.  By the looks of it, that won’t happen.  When I got the box months ago, the plan was to write two reviews: one based on album art/liner/liner notes/band name and a follow up to see if the music matched my predictions.  Grad school happened, and half of the albums looked so unappetizing that I had no desire to listen to them to see if they matched my predictions.  I stuck the box away and forgot about it until now.  To be honest, the reason I do this now is because I'm moving and things take up space. That said, the plan is still the plan and I intend to have fun with it.

Alright, here’s the albums in order from bands I most want to hear to least want to hear, based on band name/album art/etc.  Remember, all of these came from Relapse’s sale.  I didn’t look up any info on these bands- I only used google images to find pics of the album art.

Here it is: The Meh, the Eh and the Downright Bad.

1. Gorephagia/Beautician Split- Brutalized Records
Originally, this was album number two because the art is standard brutal/gore fare.  Chopped up, mutilated people with a pointy, illegible band logo is so passé.  Or whatever.  Although I have limited exposure to Gorephagia, that plus the liner notes tell me this is standard brutal death metal (from Ecaudor, neat!) whose lyrical themes center on...gore.  Surprise surprise.  Ok, no big deal.  I'd get down to this.
But then I flip to the Beautician side of the split.  A one man band from the UK with a lame name.  Ok.  But with song titles like "Shampoo and Set (In Concrete)," "Mosh and Go," "Broken Nail: Gun Massacre" and my favorite "Curling Tong in Cheek" this split has ended out all other CDs in the box.  This could be a testament to Beautician's wit and creativity, or a total jab at the rest of the box.  I'm hopeful for this though!

2. Luctus- Jaučiant Pabaigą Arti- Ledo Takas Records
I have no idea what this means.  I'm assuming this band writes about war and they're from somewhere in Eastern Europe. The promotional sticker tells me this CD will contain "groundshaking violent thrashing black metal, made the Lithuanian way, old school spirit meets with surgical precision...when the barbed wire dyes red..."  I don't know what that means either.  That's the only thing in English.  Everything else (except for a note about contacting the band via gmail) is in Lithuanian.

I'm down with that though.  I love when bands sing in their own language, about their own heritage. It's a way to learn about other cultures via metal.  Perfect.  Overall, the packaging is well done- trifold, liner booklet and blood droplets all over everything.  For ambiance.  But hey, I have a pretty good idea of what I'm getting into here.  I'm even, dare I say, looking forward to it.

3. Spitfire- Cult Fiction- Goodfellow Records

I couldn't even find a picture of this CD cover.  I even looked on Metal Archives, come to find out this is a dreaded metalcore band.  Thanks, Relapse.  That said, the packaging has lots of pictures of naked/lingered ladies.  Some are wearing sex toys and blindfolded.  The inside of the trifold is a picture of silk and the words "Cult Fiction" in a classy sort of font that reminds me of my beloved Twin Peaks and David Lynch, which is probably why I ranked this album so high.  Based on the lyrics, these guys are mad about a lot of things, including abortion?  There's a song called Pro-Life and I can't tell if it's ironic or not.  (Damn kids/hipsters/kidsters! *shake fist*)  This album is now 5 years old.  The drummer is/was a member of Norma Jean.  Ugh.  I'd bump it down on the list if the package wasn't so damn pretty. That's what I get for cheating.  

4. Avsky- Mass Destruction- Humanitys [sic] Plague Prod. and 5. Meltdown- The Quietus- Mighty Hordes Prod. Avsky is from 2007 and Meltdown is from 08.  Are you kidding me?  There's not one album from the last year or two?  Sheesh.  Anyway, these albums are in the middle because there's some thought that went into their nicely laid out booklet.  But there's nothing too special about either album/band name/CD lay out.  Obviously Avsky is going to be black metal, and the lyrics tell me it's about hating stuff.  Meltdown is harder to pin down.  Look at that.  The Quietus part could be sludge/doom.  But that shit wasn't nearly as big in 2008 as it has been in the last year or two.  The deisgn surrounding "Meltdown" could be literally anything- maybe groove?  So, mysterious sludge groove?  Whatever this band sounds like, I'll be 100% surprised.  







6. Methedras- Katarsis- Punishment 18 Records
Originally this 2009 (getting closer!) classic was going to be lumped in with 5 and 6.  The actual album doesn't look bad and someone with actual design and Photoshop experience made the booklet.  HOWEVER, my copy has a parental advisory thing on it.  Seriously?  In 2009?  There's nothing in the lyrics that points to sex, violence, language....none of that.  I don't think I've seen a legit parental advisory sticker on an album since I was shopping in Target in like, 2000.  Cut that shit out.  I mean, they're Italian, so maybe no one told them that Parental Advisory is no longer some badge of extreme-metal-ness in 2013, but still.

If I had to guess based on art alone, I'd guess that these guys play death metal that's just a touch progressive.  I'm trying to guess based on the lyrics, but I had to stop when I read "War is Fuckin' You" next to a close up of a pissed off looking dude.  I think they dislike society and the government. And they have a lot of feelings. You know, those taboo subjects that are completely relegated to one genre of metal.

7. Legions of War- Towards Death- Inferno Records
Another war themed band, eh?  From Sweden this time.  I'd guess they play some sort of generic thrashy black/death metal.  Other than the use of Matura Script, the world's worst and possibly least metal (and least legible when in size 9) font, this is pretty unremarkable.  EXCEPT.  The band photo.  In it, three of the four band members are wearing their own band's logo shirt.  I always think it looks silly, especially when the fourth band member is wearing a plain black shirt and looking, dejectedly towards the ground.  I took this horrible webcam picture just now because I think it's amazing.

8. Divine Muzak- Dialogue- Beauty of Pain

Romania. Sort of Romantic (big R, not little r).  Male/Female duet.  This is either going to be really gothic sounding and amazing or it's going to be White Stripes-esque rock music. It could really throw us for a loop and be totally weird, off-the-wall avant garde shit that I don't understand.  The art and quality is totally pro, but this album is low on the list because I hate the word Muzak.  Hate hate hate.  They make a note rejecting discrimination, which I'm down with. The best/most confusing moment for me is the song "Fantasy of Rape."  Now, one's fantasies are their own business, but the phrase "Arabian Oral Sex" repeats throughout which makes me laugh.  Maybe I'm delirious and tired, but what the hell is that?

9. Fimbul- Ramnens Ferd- Canadrian Demon
No, that's not a bad quality image.  That's actually what the cover looks like.  My copy appears to have been printed on a home computer and the whole thing laid out in MS Paint.  I'm not even joking.

Well, this is a comp from 2007.  It has to be black metal.  As beautiful and diverse as the genre can be, the status sometimes assigned to low production values makes it the easiest to produce.  There are no lyrics, just an array of pictures of the dude you see to the left in the wintery woods, in full paint.  He's even holding a knife in one.  I'm sure this guy is very passionate about making music, but damn.  At least have a skilled friend help with...everything.

10.  The Cutest Babyhead Ever- Panoply- One Stroke Face Music

Another 2009 album!  This is at the bottom for being the worst band name ever.  Ever.  Like, worse than...every porno grind band name.  JUST looking at the art/font choice, the absolute best I could hope for would be a knock-off Deadboy and the Elephantmen.  But I doubt it.  I don't even know what this could be.  It has to be weird.  Saxophones are involved.  I will either come away eating my words and having my mind blown, or this is going straight in the trash.  If this band is still a band, I will pay the person who proves it $5.

I know it was a sale, and I know the CDs were cheap,but damn Relapse.  There's some potentially interesting stuff in here...I guess.  But would it have killed someone to drop in an actual Relapse release or two? A classic CD?  Or hell, anything from a major label?  From the last two years?  Oh well.  I gambled and lost.  Or did it?  I'll report back, if I ever feel up to listening to these 10 albums.

Maybe I'll be surprised.