The Witness: The Rolling Waves of Death

 The Witness: The Rolling Waves of Death

TW: Death, dying

Everyone's heard that grief comes in waves.

Sometimes it comes as a small nudge, surf breaking over shore, a small reminder that it was Blake who usually did this chore, or skipping the ice cream aisle entirely, because there's no one at home to eat it all, reaching for my phone before I realize there's no one on the other end to appreciate my observation.

Other times, it's a riptide. It comes out of nowhere, dragging me under, leaving me gasping for breath. And as any good Floridian knows, fighting it will only result in drowning.

The nudges are constant, gentle saltwater lapping over my feet and ankles, sometimes covering my shins or splashing up to my knees. Sometimes surprising, constant, but tolerable.

The latest riptide came in pieces. 

Dear Blake, I saw another body

 

You and Crab in my favorite hiking spot

TW: Death

Dear Blake, 

It's 3:30 am. I can't sleep. 

I saw another body today. 

Can you believe I made it to 35, blessedly (if you will) never having seen a body? And now, just in the last two months, I have seen two. I skipped the viewing at every service when I was growing up. My father was cremated. 

After the first time I rescued a bird, gently pulling it's tiny, fragile legs from a glue trap, I found more injured birds. At a wildlife rehab, the woman told me I would find injured birds forever. They had marked me as someone who could be trusted. Is this how it will be with the recently deceased? I am not sure I am ready for the responsibility. 

But let me back up.

The Body Keeps The Score, and Mine is Losing

 The Body Keeps The Score, and Mine is Losing

CW: Talk of death 

This guy  Bessel van der Kolk wrote The Body Keeps The Score about the ways in which trauma affects the body. 

In a way, I already knew what happened. I'd received a few phone calls asking about medications Blake was on. The calls got a little more frantic, and I was frustrated because even if I teleported to the hospital in that moment, there was no way I could (or would want to) see him while the nurses and doctors worked on his tired body. The people at the desk had a hard time locating him. And I knew. In my body, I knew.

When I made it to the hospital to say goodbye to Blake, my first thought was that the nurses were playing some kind of joke with me that Blake was in on. We'd been going back and forth about him trying to do a little more around the house. "Alright, I get it, you're SICK-SICK, that was mean!" I'd say.

Grief in the Age of Social Media

Grief in the Social Media Age

TW: De*th, su*cide 

I am, unfortunately, no stranger to grief. Although we could be considered old acquaintances, each time she visits is newly and uniquely horrifying.  I wrote a post about a girl in my high school who died, and the falling out with best friends over the years. All of those stories were complicated, like I was not complete sure of my role, the amount of acceptable grief I could feel, especially for those living. 

But grief, the literal and infinite result of loving someone who is no longer on this plane, she has returned.

Both of my grandfathers, my dad, and my grandma died when I was in high school within a roughly two year period.

My father passed when I was 16. He died by suicide. It's still not acceptable to talk about, people have accused my father of being selfish, of being weak. While he certainly could be those things, he was not. Losing someone to suicide does not make their death less tragic, somehow. I'd argue it makes it MORE upsetting, to be to that point, but I digress. 

I was 16. We had a complex relationship (that I have written about). I remember telling people it was an accident, only telling people I was very close to his true cause of death. I didn't want the judgement, the weird blend of pity and relief, to know that their own loved ones would surely pass of natural causes, many, many years from now.

It wasn't until adulthood that I started talking about suicide, walking in The Overnight, getting a suicide prevention tattoo. 

In/Visible Ties that Bind: Communities, Love, Hope

In/Visible Ties that Bind: Communities, Love, Hope

The last few weeks have been filled with struggle and loss and grief. But somehow, we persevere, and I owe my personal strength to the amazing communities I am visibly and invisibly a part of.

You all gave me strength enough to carry myself, to stave off falling into yet another cycle of depression, and to carry others.

Waning, Epicedium, Deus Otiosus: April 2012 Reviews

Waning (SWE)- The Human Condition.  Antonym Records, 2012. Swedish black metal-ers Waning offer a cross between nihilistic black metal so typical of Scandinavia and melodic riffing a la their Gothenburg origins. Waning proclaims not to have an agenda, and as weird as it is to admit- it comes across in the music.  If the listener can accept that murder and church-burning need not be a prerequisite for black metal, the welcome aboard. 

All the instruments, including vocals and samples fit together to create music that is harsh, but more atmospheric than abrasive.  Clean, but not sterile, production adds texture and depth to The Human Condition. 

It’s refreshing to hear an album that draws from distinct influences, but in a modern and experimental way.  The guitar tone and riffs pay homage to the black metal tradition from which Waning was born and vocal samples mixed into the instruments add interest to dissonant parts.  Every aspect of this album was meticulously crafted, that’s evident, and you’ll enjoy it, damn it.  It’s not music to burn a church to, it is music to THINK too.  Try it on for size.
http://www.waning.se

Epicedium (GER/DEU)- Anthropogenic.   Rising Nemesis/Sevared Records, 2012.
German brutal death metal integrates samples Macabre would kill for with music more akin to Cannibal Corpse or Devourment.  Always intrigued by serial killers, the interview and news clips are a really cool touch throughout the album that add to the overall tone of…murder.

What can I say about a solid, brutal death metal album?  It’s heavy but integrates some cool solos and long tortured screams over mid-paced drum beats, allowing each band member to demonstrate their talents individually as well.   Chunky riffs and blasting drums occupy most of the album, giving lots of time for headbanging and moshing.  Maybe some slams, if you’re drunk enough (and by that I mean, if you’re drunk at all). 

Basically, what’s not to like?  Blasts, some plucky bass, solos, gore, brutal death metal, serial killers.  It doesn’t reinvent the wheel or tread new territory, but it’s certain to please! Enjoy with a cold beer and dream about cold dead corpses.  Maybe some crime books.  Mosh a little.

http://welcome.to/epicedium

Deus Otiosus (DEN)- Murderer.  American Line/FDA Rekotz, 2011.
Random e-mails containing albums are always exciting- it could be the next big thing, or a big thing ten years ago.  Aright, debut album from Danish metal band.  Cool.  They say “the album might need a few listens…”  Ok, well that’s not promising.  But nonetheless, I can’t turn down an album, especially one I’ve already agreed to review.  I’m…holding my breath. 

Despite their overly humble, less than flattering portrayal, I enjoy it.  It’s sort of a pumped up version of old school death metal.  I’m headbanging and sort of bouncing in my chair.  It’s catchy, with an old school vibe.  Although some consider “Catchy” a death sentence, don’t.  Catchy means it would fit any mood- stomping fucking skulls or having a great day.  It’d be good for driving music, and I’d bet it’d be a great live show, especially with the right crowd.  (I hope the new drummer is up to par! :D ) 

While the production is modern, it’s not distracting, the band could easily be from a good 15 years ago.  (Oh god, that’s 1997…well, you know what I mean.) 

The point is- I want to listen to this.  It’s energetic, fun and heavy.  In fact, if there was a circle pit, I’d hope right in.  I would put this on my Ipod and listen to it later.  I think I’ll do that now.  Guys, don’t sell yourselves short, especially when modeling your sound off some of my all time faves!

http://www.deus-otiosus.com

Tour NerdBurger Alert: Death To All Tour
There’s a number of big shows coming up, but the one I’m most looking forward to is the Death to All tour.  Now, I know a lot of old-schoolers are probably at home bemoaning the idea that someone out there is trying to “reunite” Death and somehow besmirch Chuck’s holy death metal name.  Or everyone who disliked Chuck at the time of his death is now in some way in need of cash.  Ordinarily, I’d agree.

However. At least some percentages of the proceeds are going to the “Sweet Relief Foundation,” to help musicians in times of crisis due to sickness.  As I posted a few months back- this type of foundation could be a good thing for the metal-community-at-large to help our friends and their families stay afloat during times of mental, physical and economic hardship.  This pseudo-reunion is headed by Death’s manager and friend, Eric and I’d imagine, OKed by the family.  Sometimes it’s ok to let bygones be bygones.  Rad.  Also, Chuck died when I was 11.  There was no opportunity for me, even if I had been a Death fan preteen, to see the legendary band.  The closest I’ll get to seeing Death is this confederation of dudes from later-era Death with two singers that, while solid, sound nothing like Chuck.  But you know what?  I’ll take it.  I’ll be stoked about it.  I AM stoked about it.  AND it’s playing in Orlando.  It’s like, the trifecta.

Really looking forward to seeing Steve DiGorgio, the guy I’d idolize if I had time to even touch my bass, ripping a fretless monster two feet from my face.  And GENE. HOGLAN. On drums.  I never thought I’d see either of these guys play and I get to see them both. Playing Death tunes.  Live.  Maybe I’m “too young” and “missed the good ole days,” but damn it, that’s not my fault. 
And.  Atheist.  I’ll see you there!
www.deathtoall.info

Thanks to everyone for their patience.  It's truly appreciated and it eventually pays off, so keep the tunes coming!