Inbox Zero: My Short Lived Dating App Experiment

 Inbox Zero: My Short Lived Dating App Experiment 

I made the profile in a fit of rage. I'd never used a dating app before. 

I found myself, quite abruptly, without a person. No one to text dumb little stories to, no "good morning" messages, no late night chats. And that, coupled with grief, was eating away at me. I rarely leave my house, I'm not a one-night-stand kind of person, so I thought, maybe, an app would give me access to a lot of people I'd not otherwise meet.

I've heard the horror stories. I've heard every tip. I knew the basic safety precautions about inviting people to my house, sharing too much about where I live or work, etc). 

After a dude I'd been absolutely smitten with told me he wasn't "available for a romantic relationship," I cried, I texted my best friends, and I got mad. 

Mad at him, mad at the situation, mad at Blake, for leaving me before his time, reducing me to this. (I can hear him saying "Hey, you're doing this to yourself," which also, SHUT UP BLAKE!)

(Said dude, may he never read this, is an absolute gem. The first day I met him, there was a moment when we were eating pita chips and hummus and he kinda caught my eye and I felt like I'd been stuck by lightning. As much as I love Blake, we had more of a slow burn, so the lightning strike was something of romance novel fiction. I thought, perhaps, I could be so lucky to have met such a smart, talented, kind, funny, easy-to-be-around person. For a while, I was really that lucky and I felt so fortunate to have someone I thought was solidly in my corner, down for silly adventures, and up to share the mundanity of daily life. Until I didn't. And then, the gaping maw of nothing stretched out in front of me...) 

In a fit of anger, thinking "You don't want me? Fine. I'll find someone who does." I chose Bumble because the woman has to message first, meaning a lower occurrence of weird messages, unsolicited dong pics, etc.  I took about twenty minutes to set up a profile with a mix of cute and silly pictures, I filled out the bio, picked questions I could answer in a way that showed off my personality...and I was off swiping.

I remember thinking how quick it was to set up a profile, because so many of the dudes the app initially showed me failed to do even that. 

So many half filled profiles with just photos and an IG handle, or a string of emojis, or something generic about "following the vibez, let's see where it goes lol!" 

When I asked a friend, he said "people are jaded by dating apps so they don't put in effort." 

OK, but...no one is forcing anyone to use an app to meet people. It wasn't some long commitment to make a cute, interesting, profile that showed off who I am. It literally took me under 30 minutes from sign up to swiping. If someone isn't going to put in the BARE MINIMUM of effort, why would I expect to be treated any better? 

You're jaded by the apps? Go outside. Go to a bar. Talk to people. 

"Men can't even SAY anything to women in public anymore!" you say.

Bullshit. 

"Hey, I think you're really pretty." 

"Oh, thank you, I'm not interested/have a partner/am gay/not feeling it." 

"Ok! Sorry to bug you, enjoy your night."

See, it's easy! The problem, in my experience, is that the "Thanks but no thanks" part is rejected. 

Or the initial compliment is gross. (No, I don't want to hear you think I have rocking tits or a great ass. I know. You know. But that's not the way to approach a complete stranger. Try "Hello.")

Or the approach is unsettling. You don't need to follow a woman down the street to her apartment building to compliment her (yes, this has happened to me, more than once). 

The bulk of the profiles feel into these categories: 

• Normal, but dull dudes with a barely filled out, half-assed profile. You golf and like dive bars, I get it. Your personality is GYM. OK, thanks and good luck. Nothing wrong with that, I don't think were going to get along. And that's OK!
• Literally, a million variations on: "After work you can find me golfing, at the gym, or at a dive bar for happy hour! I don't take myself too seriously. Let's laugh together and more, if the vibes are right!" Again, fine, but a bit....generic.
• Or fifteen emojis. Great, you're a...palm tree, coconut, dog, cat, leaf, jet ski, recycling emoji? 
• Or normal dudes who I don't find attractive at all OR who have "want kids" in their profile. Obviously physical attraction isn't EVERYTHING, but I think for a relationship or a dating situation, I'd like to be attracted to them. And I don't want kids, so I'm going to pass. 
• Dudes who love talking about how far-right they are, up to and including spending a quarter of their profile on being anti-trans. I personally can't imagine making my personality "I hate complete strangers I will never meet, that don't affect my life in any way, that the TV tells me to hate," but go off, I guess. 
• Completely weird profiles, like the dude I found who's entire profile was HASHTAG FLAT EARTHER. Alright, good luck out there pup.
• And a whole subset of the app showing me people who are not from anywhere near here, don't live here, and aren't on travel mode. Why ask for my location, if you're going to show me people in California? I digress. 

ANYWAY, 

I tried to swipe right with intention, picking people I thought were attractive, interesting, didn't want kids, not ENM, and not looking for "intimacy without commitment!" Which, hey, you do you! I'm not here to judge. It's not really my thing and I'm not trying to waste two people's time. 

The app continuously fed me conservative/moderate/apolitical dudes, who wanted kids. No, thank you. We don't share values or goals. It's a waste of everyone's time. I picked people who I might actually want to meet, who seemed interesting, that I found at least a little attractive. What I'm saying is, I went in with an open mind, not looking for a certain physical type, just someone who filled out the whole profile, was moderately OK looking at least, AND had some sort of unique personality.

I got approximately 15 matches over a few weeks. A solid fifth of them immediately unmatched, which means their profiles no longer exist to me. One asked me for a hook up, despite it being NO WHERE on either of our profiles that that was a dating goal. I politely declined, and he was nice about it, at least. 

The bulk of the conversations went nowhere. Literally nowhere. As in, I send a question and they simply never respond, OR respond once and that's it. 

[Addendum: I didn't even mention what a conversation ender it is to share that my boyfriend died. It's not something I lead with, it's not in my bio, but if it comes up in conversation, I won't shy away from it. It's almost immediate un-match, every time. Thanks for saving me the trouble!]

A few of the conversations progressed, and I thought for at least one or two, "wow, I would actually meet this person!" Until...I stopped carrying the conversation. How many questions can I mine from a short bio and a few photos? Especially when you are giving me nothing! I have a profile too! Ask! Me! A Question! 

What's frustrating is how many conversations go like this: 

Match: What do you do for work? 
Me: I have a business, I work PT at a record label, and I work merch at some gigs at a big club here. What do you do?
Match: I work in [job].

I'm already annoyed because I've set it up to be asked SO MANY THINGS, like "what's your business?" "What's the record label like?" "How'd you get the gig at CLUB? Do you get to work shows you like?" LITERALLY ANYTHING. Alas.

Me: Oh, cool! I don't know much about JOB. Do you like it? 
Match: It's fine.
Me: How long have you worked there? 
Match: 5 years. 
Me: ......

To me, this simply means you're not interested. BUT WHY EVEN SWIPE? WHY ENGAGE AT ALL?! Just DON'T and save us both the phone battery. But I digress. 

This seems like an appropriate time to mention that Blake was one of the coolest and easiest people to be around on the whole planet before he got sick, and the dude I mentioned above was totally wonderful at carrying conversations, remembering things I said and asking about them...you know, talking. I digress further. 

Out of FIFTEEN matches online, only one progressed to a texting conversation where the guy, we'll call him Bumble Guy, seemed interested in meeting up. 

Because I was having a small medical procedure done the closest weekend, I mentioned that I probably would not be up for meeting for at least a week. He said he didn't mind being patient, but didn't offer much else.

BUT, as the medical gods would have it, by the weekend, I felt human. I messaged Bumble Guy, "What are you doing tomorrow (his day off)"

Him: Absolutely nothing! 
Me: Cool, I have a wild idea, can you make it to [my neighborhood] by 3 pm? 

Him: We can't meet closer?  I don't want to drive.
Me: No, we can't, the idea involves being here AND I have a meeting that day, so no.
Him: *silence*
Him, the next day: Good morning! What are you up to?

Not going on a date with you, I'll tell you that much!

Did he ask what the ADORABLE date I had planned was? No. Did he offer an alternative day? No. Did he give ANY indication that he was still interested in a date? No. Did he text me completely normally after, with no further mention of a date? Yes.

What, dear reader, was I supposed to conclude? I assume he's not interested anymore. 

So, a few days later, he asks if I want to meet up. I refer back to this conversation, mentioning that 1. he rejected me, 2. he didn't want to drive 45 min (he lives near where Blake did when we started dating, I *know* this drive well), and 3. he didn't offer up anything else. I assume he's not actually interested in a date, I am happy to hang out, but maybe it'll be as friends. 

He apologizes profusely, saying he understands why I feel that way, that he messed up, and wants to put in more effort ~for me.~

I sleep on it and decide that yes, OK, we can try a date (owning up to messing up, hearing me out, etc. shows some emotional maturity), and ask him which of his days off is free to meet me, on *my* side of town. He picks, and says "Well, I'm mostly free that day, unless there's an emergency." And "I'll hit you up when it's closer."  

My brother on this planet, the emergency thing is understood without saying it, and now you've led me to think that some emergency will pop up! (The emergency of not wanting to drive?) Has he suggested an activity, food type, time of day to meet up, or literally anything else? No. I have plenty of ideas, of course, if it comes down to it...but I already put in the effort and was rejected, so I'm certainly not going out of my way. I'm not going to remind him, confirm, ask about it. 

It's a real "if he wanted to, he would" moment. 

I wanted to reply, "This is what more effort means to you?" But honestly, what's the point? 

I feel like out of 15 matches, with no dates at all, very minimally interesting conversations at best, I'm going to let all my active chats expire and call it a day. I'd have better luck asking 15 random strangers out, I think.

The dating app life might not be for me. Solitude is a gift.

PS. My dating app just let me know I missed a potential match with a "christian conservative" whose profile includes "Swipe left if you're a DEMOCRAT >:(." I think he missed the part where I said I'm a LITERAL BLUE HAIRED LEFTY. Dating app, your algorithm sucks, I'm going to stick to cuddling my dog.