Lost and Adrift
Here is a blog post of me, whining. I'd apologize, but I'm not going to. These thoughts need to go somewhere, so here they are.
I paused my business in August. I had planned to quit entirely in June. It was a slow-rolling, painful, frustrating realization: it's not working.
After years- literal YEARS of my life- of trying to make it work, of pivoting, of trying new things, taking courses, it became evident that nothing was really "working." I was willing to live with the idea that this would be a hobby, rather than a real money-making career...but I was not willing to live with reaching...No One.
Partially, it was social media...every time I seemed to gain any traction, my social media views would tank. Local organizations didn't want to pay. I found more than one organization taking advantage of me, relying on me for last minute, free presentations for groups of 20+. Bots swarmed my email newsletter, any surveys I hosted, my Discord channel...including some trolls who doxxed me on my Discord, complete with old photos from my personal account and commentary about how ugly, fat, and disgusting I apparently am.
Now...this could be bearable if I were actually reaching people...but...I just wasn't. I can live with a small hobby. I can't live with hours and hours and hours of creation to just scream into the void.
I know social media metrics aren't EVERYTHING, but in working with youth...they do matter. And after weeks of my posts only getting a reach of 25, no matter what I tried (different types of posts, reels, lives, giveaways), and like, four likes...it burned me out.
I was done. The only reason I didn't walk away entirely was the knowing that once the plug is pulled, I can't really "un-quit."
After years- literal YEARS of my life- of trying to make it work, of pivoting, of trying new things, taking courses, it became evident that nothing was really "working." I was willing to live with the idea that this would be a hobby, rather than a real money-making career...but I was not willing to live with reaching...No One.
Partially, it was social media...every time I seemed to gain any traction, my social media views would tank. Local organizations didn't want to pay. I found more than one organization taking advantage of me, relying on me for last minute, free presentations for groups of 20+. Bots swarmed my email newsletter, any surveys I hosted, my Discord channel...including some trolls who doxxed me on my Discord, complete with old photos from my personal account and commentary about how ugly, fat, and disgusting I apparently am.
Now...this could be bearable if I were actually reaching people...but...I just wasn't. I can live with a small hobby. I can't live with hours and hours and hours of creation to just scream into the void.
I know social media metrics aren't EVERYTHING, but in working with youth...they do matter. And after weeks of my posts only getting a reach of 25, no matter what I tried (different types of posts, reels, lives, giveaways), and like, four likes...it burned me out.
I was done. The only reason I didn't walk away entirely was the knowing that once the plug is pulled, I can't really "un-quit."
I'm perfectly content with my record label, very PT job. I started applying for other jobs, temp/remote jobs, doing election-related stuff...newsletters for candidates, things like that. I got nowhere. I never even got a rejection. More screaming into the void.
Funnily enough, on election day, a woman invited me to interview at her workplace. She didn't really describe the role, only that someone was looking to take some stuff off her plate. I did the interview- adamant I wouldn't quit my very PT label job, I wasn't looking to "live to work..."
And they hired me. Currently, I've got two jobs, both involving warehouses and shipping and logistics.
It's fine.
I don't know how else to describe it. I don't hate the new job. It's fine. Everyone is nice. I use my brain sometimes. I listen to a lot of podcasts. Sometimes I delegate. But then there's days where it's slow, and I should, by all accounts, go home. I should not be paid to sit in a room doing nothing. Instead I'm sitting and waiting for a delivery, inevitably late, and then in a panic to catch the next delivery person coming 30 minutes before the building locks. I get home at 6. I scarf down a snack and go work out. I eat and go to bed. Repeat.
It's not the worst. I get paid. People are nice. Something about the work process is mentally satisfying (here's a stack of cardboard! now it's boxes! Now they're packed! Now they're leaving! Now the room is empty!)...but it's not satisfying.
Don't get me wrong: I'm glad my boss has built a successful business that employs people. She's incredibly smart and great at what she does- so is everyone else there. That's all well and good, and I hope they do find satisfaction in knowing they do what they do, well.
It's not really doing it for me. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way about me job.
I know all jobs are good jobs, if the work needs doing. I know plenty of jobs aren't "changing the world," and just what we do to get by. I get all that.
I took this job for a change of pace- and that it is.
Funnily enough, on election day, a woman invited me to interview at her workplace. She didn't really describe the role, only that someone was looking to take some stuff off her plate. I did the interview- adamant I wouldn't quit my very PT label job, I wasn't looking to "live to work..."
And they hired me. Currently, I've got two jobs, both involving warehouses and shipping and logistics.
It's fine.
I don't know how else to describe it. I don't hate the new job. It's fine. Everyone is nice. I use my brain sometimes. I listen to a lot of podcasts. Sometimes I delegate. But then there's days where it's slow, and I should, by all accounts, go home. I should not be paid to sit in a room doing nothing. Instead I'm sitting and waiting for a delivery, inevitably late, and then in a panic to catch the next delivery person coming 30 minutes before the building locks. I get home at 6. I scarf down a snack and go work out. I eat and go to bed. Repeat.
It's not the worst. I get paid. People are nice. Something about the work process is mentally satisfying (here's a stack of cardboard! now it's boxes! Now they're packed! Now they're leaving! Now the room is empty!)...but it's not satisfying.
Don't get me wrong: I'm glad my boss has built a successful business that employs people. She's incredibly smart and great at what she does- so is everyone else there. That's all well and good, and I hope they do find satisfaction in knowing they do what they do, well.
It's not really doing it for me. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way about me job.
I know all jobs are good jobs, if the work needs doing. I know plenty of jobs aren't "changing the world," and just what we do to get by. I get all that.
I took this job for a change of pace- and that it is.
But I'm finding little satisfaction.
At least with the business, there was this possibility- far off though it was- that I would somehow hit with the right people, get the right contacts, go viral, whatever, and be able to reach hundreds or thousands of people...doing what I am really fucking good at, and doing it well.
With this new job, it's simply never going to happen. There's no opportunity, there's no possibility. On top of that, I see waste. Plastic waste, shirts made by people in abhorrent conditions, MORE plastic waste, boxes made by a politically vile company, all to...what? ensure some company somewhere has a bit more "team engagement?" Do we need to send out 500 microplastic-ladden fleece blankets (soft as they are) to say "job well done?"
I don't want to take away from the business or my co-workers. They do a good job to take care of what their clients want.
At least with the business, there was this possibility- far off though it was- that I would somehow hit with the right people, get the right contacts, go viral, whatever, and be able to reach hundreds or thousands of people...doing what I am really fucking good at, and doing it well.
With this new job, it's simply never going to happen. There's no opportunity, there's no possibility. On top of that, I see waste. Plastic waste, shirts made by people in abhorrent conditions, MORE plastic waste, boxes made by a politically vile company, all to...what? ensure some company somewhere has a bit more "team engagement?" Do we need to send out 500 microplastic-ladden fleece blankets (soft as they are) to say "job well done?"
I don't want to take away from the business or my co-workers. They do a good job to take care of what their clients want.
And somehow, even though I promised myself I wouldn't stress out, wouldn't stay late, would have firm boundaries, I've still found myself there after 5 pm, responding to 7:30 am emails, stressing out about orders being wrong- literally had stress nightmares and woke up at 3 am about UMBRELLAS. For DAYS. I mean, it's not a human organ.
Damn girl, get a grip.
And as a result, I feel completely lost.
I've always been a driven and goal-oriented person. I genuinely could not tell you one single goal I have right now.
And as a result, I feel completely lost.
I've always been a driven and goal-oriented person. I genuinely could not tell you one single goal I have right now.
I miss being creative, writing, and teaching...but my brain is literally empty, like someone pulled the plug and every idea I've ever had, swirled away.
I have no clue what I want to do. Well, I do. I want to work for myself again. I am out of ideas, and these are simply things that cannot be forced.
I thought of doing a podcast "for fun," although it's hard to find the time when I'm barely home, and so tired and brain dead, I mostly sleep on weekends, watch TV, read, or catch up on chores. One weekend, I was so exhausted and run down, I slept 15 hours on a Sunday. And then went to sleep and slept another 8 hours.
And really, does the world need another financially stable, white, able bodied lady telling people things via podcast? I feel like this market is extremely saturated, and I'm not sure what I have to offer.
The inside of my head feels completely smooth, and very empty.
I have no clue what I want to do. Well, I do. I want to work for myself again. I am out of ideas, and these are simply things that cannot be forced.
I thought of doing a podcast "for fun," although it's hard to find the time when I'm barely home, and so tired and brain dead, I mostly sleep on weekends, watch TV, read, or catch up on chores. One weekend, I was so exhausted and run down, I slept 15 hours on a Sunday. And then went to sleep and slept another 8 hours.
And really, does the world need another financially stable, white, able bodied lady telling people things via podcast? I feel like this market is extremely saturated, and I'm not sure what I have to offer.
The inside of my head feels completely smooth, and very empty.
No comments:
Post a Comment