Dear Blake, I saw another body

 

You and Crab in my favorite hiking spot

TW: Death

Dear Blake, 

It's 3:30 am. I can't sleep. 

I saw another body today. 

Can you believe I made it to 35, blessedly (if you will) never having seen a body? And now, just in the last two months, I have seen two. I skipped the viewing at every service when I was growing up. My father was cremated. 

After the first time I rescued a bird, gently pulling it's tiny, fragile legs from a glue trap, I found more injured birds. At a wildlife rehab, the woman told me I would find injured birds forever. They had marked me as someone who could be trusted. Is this how it will be with the recently deceased? I am not sure I am ready for the responsibility. 

But let me back up.

I was walking Crab, turned the corner next to a large apartment complex, and a TON of cop cars and cops came into view. A man was yelling, facing about four cops. I kept walking, half-watching. The man was distressed, he was a man of color, he spoke with an accent. I certainly wasn't going to get involved, but I slowed my pace. Tucked behind one of the cruisers, I saw two feet poking out from under a crisp, white sheet.

Holy shit. Was the man a murderer? Was I looking at a murderer?! 

I paced back and forth, breathing rapidly, panic coming on. About to call my mom, a woman approached me. She recognized me from walking the dog. Our dogs look similar. My hair stands out. (I loved the pink! She told me.) 

The woman, perhaps sensing my panic rising, (perhaps knowing, in the way women do, what I was fearing), explained that she found the deceased- a neighbor- in her car in the parking lot. The man- also a neighbor- was completely uninvolved, but had descended into some form of mental breakdown over losing his keys that resulted in him screaming, pulling out a large knife, screaming some more, and finally being cuffed and led away, as officers and the gathering crowd asked him to please, please, take a breath and calm down. (Fortunately, no one was harmed. These stories can go so much worse.) 

Again, the woman's small shoes caught my eye and in that moment, I was struck with the absolute crushing realization that you are gone. An emptiness, a hollowness, poured down my spine and pooled in my stomach. Even now, I can feel it, as I write this. 

There is no where on this Earth where I might find you, curled up taking a nap, disappeared off like you often did at my parent's house, or perhaps hiding in a bush, ready to jump out and scare me, or just off-the-grid, taking a break from the cruelty of our world. I could look forever. I would not find you. 

As my heart broke for you, it also broke for this stranger. This small, older woman, alone, but with an audience. At the moment of her passing, shielded by police cars, but not at all the center of attention, as the man demanded to be arrested by the police. 

No one could tend to her because of the urgency of this man. No one could stroke her hair, run their fingers along her nose and forehead and ears, or squeeze her big toe, like I got with you, in the moments after your spirit was gone. When I had the chance to say goodbye to your physical body. 

Your body moved into its final stages in relative privacy. Or at least, surrounded by people who have witnessed the process enough to not make a fuss. You were not laid out on the ground, covered in a sheet, on cold, hard cement. You were not in a parking lot. You were not alone. You were not a spectacle. Your moment was not lessened by the rantings of a random man having a bad day, nor were people gathering to watch. 

Although I could not be there- even if I wanted to be- as you took your final breaths in this world, you were surrounded by people who wanted you, so badly, to live. Who tried, desperately, to keep you here. So we could spend our days together. So you could come home and cuddle the dog. So we could book our trip to Scotland. So we could argue about your health. So we could call your mom and tell her you were OK. 

When a friend told me your death was relatively peaceful, and there could be comfort in that, I didn't quite get what she meant. Your death did not sound easy, although it was painless for you. It sounded hard. Complicated. Shocking. Unexplainable. 

But I think I understand now. 

You are both gone.

I know you didn't know this woman. From what I could gather, she was older than you. I hope she was able to live a good life, but I am sure I'll never know. But, baby, the whole thing broke my heart. We should all get to go into the next world with someone stroking our hair, running their finger over the swoop of our brow, kissing our cheeks. I am so sorry that she never- that her loved ones never- got that moment. I hope that she finds peace in another plane.

Do you think, if you see her in the Great Beyond, you could make sure she's OK? 

I miss you. I hope wherever you are, you know that you are so loved, and so very missed. 

-L